You might look at me now and think that I always had it together, but that is not true.
To show you what I mean, I want to bring you back in time, almost 20 years ago. The raw materials of who I am, my intelligence, my drive, my intensity were all the same. But what had my attention was quite different. And the proof is in the picture. I weighed 40 pounds more than I do now.
Football season grabbed my attention. It was on Monday Night, Thursday night and all day Sunday. There was fantasy football with money on the line with friends and a big draft day. On Sundays, I would watch football from noon and eat barbeque with my friends until the final game that ended around 10pm. We'd have beer and scotch. The debauchery lasted all day. Our partners were left to take care of our house and our kids, alone.
During this 8-hour snack-fest, my wife would try to come up and start a conversation with me. I would ignore her. My kids would ask if I would go outside and play with them. I would brush them off. Football, food, and friends were more important. That's not what I would tell myself I stood for- but that's what my actions demonstrated.
One day, this all came to a head, and my wife and I got into a big fight. "You're disgusting," she said. "You've gained so much weight and are not paying attention to your kids!"
How do you think that went? Did I change? No way. Telling me that I was wrong was not enough for me to open my eyes to the negativity of my habits. Instead, I just disagreed with her. I thought she was being selfish, trying to pull me away from the one day a week I had to spend with my friends. Her accusations made me angry and shameful, so I pushed them out of my head.
I genuinely thought I was right to spend my time that way, because everyone I surrounded myself with had the same values.
In the beginning, I decided I was going to do the Atkins diet and go running. Atkins was eating protein and fat. That doesn't sound hard. And sure, I hated running more than anything, but I figured that all I had to do was go outside and start. How hard could it be?
Well, even after weeks of practice, I could still only get up to running three miles- and they were twelve minutes each. For reference, I once went for a jog with my wife. She's a foot shorter, and totally ran circles around me. Needless to say, failing at something that badly did not give me the motivation to stick with it.
Next, my Sunday football friends and I decided that we would start exercising together. Our commitment started with biking, and we would all place bets on who would lose the most weight in a month. While this did produce some results- we got together, we biked, we dieted, we lost weight- the motivation was totally extrinsic. Everyone was motivated by the idea of doing well in front of the group, losing weight, and winning money. After a while, we started exercising together less and less, and relaxing more and more. There was not a lot of accountability. If one of us fell off the wagon, no one really cared.
Next, I tried going to an expensive personal trainer. While the circuit training was effective, it also felt like torture. I was forcing myself to go. So while my body changed some, when the sessions I purchased were up, I never returned. The shift in my relationship to exercise, and the difference in my body, was not sustainable.
My perfect fit was the last thing I tried: weightlifting. I had just moved, and realized that I would finally have space in my house for a workout room. So I purchased a weight rack, and found an incremental exercise program that worked for me. (If you're curious, it's a 5x5 program called Strong Lifts.)
The workouts started super easy, with lifting on an empty bar. From there, I could slowly add weight, five pounds at a time. I loved that, because I could see that I was making gradual progress. While I had a lot to learn, I stuck with it because of two things:
None of this motivation came from anyone else but myself. It was intrinsic. So I enjoyed it, even before- and definitely after- the changes started to happen in my body.
This process started an intrinsic flywheel, meaning each step of progress motivated me to make another change. I suddenly didn't want to drink at night, since I knew it would impact my lift in the morning. Then, I got excited to check off all the days of the week that I was supposed to workout. I would always make sure I did it, even if it was early in the morning or late at night.
No one was checking on me to do this. I just did it myself. Eventually, I zoomed out and realized- I'm a healthy, fit person! I've lost 40 pounds! I consistently take care of myself! The transformation wasn't sudden- my actions were slowly changing over the course of years, until my self-concept was entirely different. So here is the after picture and here is how I achieved my body transformation in more detail if you wanted to try it.
Picture this: you decide to take a brief 5-minute break from work. You open your phone, blink, and suddenly it's three hours later. Have you really been on Tik Tok all this time? Unfortunately, this situation is probably all too familiar.
It begs the question, how much of your day is spent reacting to the demands and desires of others, as opposed to engaging in activities you've chosen for yourself?
From responding to emails to keeping up with the constant pings from Slack and WhatsApp, it often feels like we're perpetually at the beck and call of others, striving for that elusive state of inbox zero. But it's crucial to carve out time to disconnect from notifications and truly focus on your own needs and tasks.
I like to think about it as creating space for your self. Who are you other than the one who decides where to pay attention? Notice when you start to shift your focus. Why did you shift it? Who got you to focus there? Could you give a moment to consider if you actually agree to shift your focus?
There are many techniques to help you be self directed instead of directed by others. Here is a short list.