The reason this happens is because, believe it or not, using willpower can actually make you less likely to stick to something!
A study from Roy Baumeister and his colleagues in the late 1990s showcases this well. In it, they bring participants into a room with freshly baked cookies. One group of participants were allowed to eat the cookies, while another was told to resist and eat radishes instead.
Afterwards, both groups were given puzzles to solve. But there was a twist: the puzzles were actually unsolvable. The researchers were testing for persistence, not puzzle-solving ability.
Their key finding was that participants who had to exert self-control by not eating the cookies gave up on the puzzles faster than those who were allowed to eat them. In other words, the participants who resisted the cookies used up some of their limited reserve of willpower, leaving them with less persistence for the task.
The psychological term for this concept is "ego depletion," suggesting that there is a limited store of mental energy for self-control and willpower.
Chat prompt: When have you tried to use willpower to stop or create a habit? How did it work for you?
So if willpower is not enough to help you achieve your goals-- and in fact, might actually hinder them-- what do you do?
Any consistent pattern of behavior can be broken down into three parts: cue, routine, and reward.
A cue is the thing that signals that it's time for you to do your routine. That could look like your alarm going off, and you automatically picking up your phone and going to Tik Tok. Or it could be you making your bed, and then immediately going to sit on top of the newly tucked sheets to meditate. Or maybe it's feeling sleepy at 2 PM, and then leaving your desk to head towards your coffee machine. The routine is the behavior- the meditating, the coffee, the social media usage.
That brings us to the last part- reward. For the morning Tik Tok habit, it could be a boost of fun in your otherwise dreary morning. For meditation, it could be bragging to your friends that you did it- or hopefully, the internal sense of satisfaction from staying connected to something bigger than yourself. And lastly, for the coffee, you get an energetic boost!
Chat prompt: What are your habits? Do you think they're good or bad? What's a habit that you're proud of? What's a habit that you want to improve?
If you want to change these behaviors, how can you take a different path to the same reward?
To learn more, the ‘further resources' section of this document shares some short videos that do a deeper dive into these topics.
Remember: forgive yourself for your setbacks. You're human! We all make mistakes, and it's never too late to try again.
A lot of unconscious behaviors center around the desire for cheap dopamine. (Hint: This is how you know it's an unproductive and potentially harmful habit.)
You can probably guess what I'm talking about. These are the moments you go buy a cupcake because you're bored, watch two hours of Youtube because you have nothing else going on, or pull open a dating app when you don't even have the desire to meet someone. The reward feels kind of good in the moment, but you also know that you're not really improving your character.
Expensive dopamine, AKA delayed dopamine, are the habits that help you feel good in the long-term. That might be texting a friend a compliment, going on a run, or reading your favorite book.
I found a great list of "expensive dopamine" habits online. I'll put it in the chat, and share it later.
One of the first habit creation tools I learned about, from journalist Charles Duhigg, was keystone habits.
These are your default behaviors, whether positive or negative. They are the routines and practices that you fall into without any need for willpower or persuasion. That could look like waking up and scrolling your phone, doing hot yoga every Thursday night, or volunteering on a weekly basis.
Creating and breaking keystone habits requires significant energy and determination. This process is not merely about identifying bad habits, but also understanding the profound impact they have on our lives.
By focusing on the negative experiences associated with our bad habits, we can become motivated to seek better alternatives.
For example, I talked about my habit of spending eight hours on Sunday with my friends, eating barbeque and watching football. The negative consequences of this were that I was gaining weight, creating tension between my wife and I, and spending less time with my kids. If I truly sat with those outcomes, I think I probably would've quit that habit sooner!
A great example of a daily habit is a checklist to reflect on what behaviors you've done the previous day-- and what you can improve in the next 24 hours.
I have an Amplenote template that I always use to do exactly this.