But that wasn't enough! Next, you started paying attention to your daily actions and asking yourself: "Am I being self-directed, or are others directing my time for me?" You began to create space for something new.
You realized that you had a few habits that you wanted to get rid of- from eating a bag of cheetos a week to watching two hours of TV a night or pulling out your phone, demanding it entertain you, every time you have a spare moment to yourself. You also started to consider positive habits that you want to integrate, like reading more, spending more quality time with your partner, or stepping back from the cacophony of noises to appreciate the wonder and joy of life.
By this point, it's totally normal if you're overwhelmed. In fact, raise your hand if you're overwhelmed!
That's to be expected. You're all okay! It's a lot to start taking stock of your life, and facing where you aren't living up to your expectations. Congratulations- it's good news!
So first of all, let's take a moment to celebrate! You're doing what most people do not: you are looking at yourself critically. You see the places where you want to devote more attention, and where you are complicit in giving your attention to others without thinking. This is all normal and human.
By now, you're probably itching to fix all of these problems yesterday. But this course is not a magic pill! There is no miracle cure to have a perfect life. It takes years of slow, steady, consistent attention-- as well as messing up a ton. Welcome to the work. You've started taking responsibility. This is what agency means.
That's why today I want to talk about one of the hardest pieces of shifting your habits. And that is: in order to quit behaviors, you also need to quit some relationships-- or at least change them.
Take my weekly Sunday football routine, for example. Was it hard to give up a few hours of TV? A little. But in reality, it was way harder to tell my friends that I couldn't spend that time with them. We still did things together, I just adjusted them to activities that aligned more with my standards, like exercising.
Let's look at another example: watching two hours of TV a night with my wife. A few years ago, or even months ago, I'd argue that I did that on a daily basis to spend quality time with my partner. It was our routine! We'd sit side by side on the couch and watch XXX.
But zooming out, is that really quality time? If I stand for meaningful family relationships, is that habit actually serving my standards- or just an easy way to fill a few hours?
To be clear, I am not saying that you should immediately quit any of your relationships, or your job, or anything else. I'm just asking you to consider: what really matches up with your standards?
Think about one habit- good, bad, or neutral- that you want to examine. Consider:
Looking at how your relationships are serving you- or not- is hard. And oftentimes, it can be easier to avoid reflecting on how their presence impacts the standards of your life.
For example, I have a friend who's an alcoholic. He's a lovely person, but he has a problem with drinking. So for a while, when I was spending time with him, I would always end up getting drunk, too. I was unconsciously falling into his standards for himself, versus my own. In order to keep the relationship, I had to be really conscious of how I wanted to live, and how those standards could coexist with his. Eventually, I realized that I still wanted to go out with him- so I made up an excuse for why I couldn't drink every time. I'm on medication!
Another example of this state of avoidance could look like maintaining a relationship that is draining you. A friend of mine, for instance, always complains about how her mother constantly berates and insults her. All she wants is some space from her suffocating presence! Yet every Sunday, like clockwork, she spends the entire day with her mother. From the outside, it's pretty easy to see that some time limitations could make this relationship far easier to bear. But from the inside, it will take a lot of time- and dedication- to make the rocky transition necessary to a less harmful pattern with her mother.
My intention for this week isn't to get you to immediately quit anything cold turkey. Instead, I want you to really think about your current patterns of behavior. Then, when you've found something that you want to change, I want you to sit with the discomfort of your current reality.
That could look like meditating, journaling, or going on a walk and thinking about it. But really consider those reflection questions from before: what is the cost of this activity? Can you keep this habit around? Is it serving you? Is now the right time to change it?
The mind wants to jump to solutions. It's only natural! Yet getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a key part of the pathway to change.
Speaking of being uncomfortable, in this course there are standards of behavior that I have set for myself as the leader, and for you. For example, I want each of you to have an important project that you will complete in the coming weeks. That way, when I ask you if you successfully achieved the project, I'll get a resounding "Yes!" That's how I'll know that this course was successful.
For those that haven't identified their project yet, we are at an impasse. Either you accept my leadership and you're in this course, or you're not.